I had told myself that I would like to blog frequently detailing the blessings that you all had delivered to me from God, but with the job and kids and the fitness quest I have been on I have found it to be daunting task. I then thought that maybe I could do about 600 words twice a week. Maybe when I have a home and internet connection of my own.
I got a notice in the mail yesterday that compelled me to post the thoughts I expressed when my friend asked me how I felt. I received notice that the divorce will be final Sept 12th and it affected me in a variety of ways. I told my dear friend Lisa, that I really didn't know how I felt. Sad is my best description of how I feel about a failed marriage to a man that I still have love for, sad that our unresolved differences have stolen from our children and that we will not fulfill the promises we made to each other and God. To me it is all such a waste. I still feel unloved, unattractive and cheated on and out of 12 years. I guess I need to celebrate that because of a group of women that God placed in my life, that I have lived through this hell and that I can move forward. I'm not who he said I was, the good or the bad because I don't know what if anything was real since he said that he never loved me. I know who I think I am, but not how others see me. I still feel like a stranger and wonder what God and others see. How can I be all the horrible things my husband said about me? How can I have inspired all the ugliness he feels toward me?
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